Do you ever have feelings of uncertainty and insecurity in your long-distance relationship? Do you feel jealous of other people, and possessive of your partner? Are you struggling to find the trust you know you need?
Insecurity in a long-distance relationship can cause huge problems! It’s hard to know how to deal with the jealousy, possessiveness and worries that go with having a partner who’s far away. Even people who trust their partner completely can find it hard to cope with jealousy and insecurity.
Yes, your partner will see other people
We all know how it feels to be jealous of other people. Sometimes we feel jealous just because they can be in the same place as the one we love; sharing experiences and breathing the same air – while we’re stuck miles away, far from reach.
Feelings of jealousy and insecurity in a long-distance relationship can be difficult to overcome. When you’re far away from the one you love, your imagination can so easily start working overtime. Everyone has their own daily lives, so your partner will inevitably see other people – at work, at school, at parties. All these people will get to spend more time with your partner than you do. That can be a very frustrating thought! What doesn’t help, of course, is that you know for certain that your partner is the most desirable and wonderful person in the whole world. It seems obvious that every person they meet is going to be out to try and tempt them away from you. The reality is probably very different, of course. But when you’re far away from a partner, it’s so easy to imagine all sorts of things are happening, when they’re probably not.
Do you really have anything to be jealous about?
The important thing to think about is – do you really have anything to be jealous about? Are any of these people really more important to your partner than you are? The answer is usually no. Quite often, while your partner is with someone else… they’re missing you, and looking forward to when they can spend time with you instead.
Do you trust your partner?
Trusting your partner helps a lot here. If you trust your partner, you should feel secure enough to let them go out and see other people. You should know that they still love you, and look forward to coming back to you. So many people in long-distance relationships worry far too much about what’s happening when their partner is with other people. Yes, we know that from our own experience! It’s possible to get quite eaten-up with jealousy and possessiveness, when there’s actually no reason for it.
Of course, some people do have very good reasons for not trusting their partner. If your partner claims to be too sick to talk to you, then gets tagged on Facebook at a concert with someone else… then maybe you need to ask some serious questions. If you make a late-night call to your partner and someone else answers the phone, then of course you’ll have some suspicions. However, if your partner has never actually given you any reason to be jealous, then you have to wonder if it’s actually your imagination creating a lot of these worries. Being far away from the one you love doesn’t help at all, and over-thinking happens a lot in long-distance relationships.
Dealing with the jealousy and insecurity
It is possible to conquer feelings of jealousy and insecurity in long-distance relationships. At the very least, you can let go of some of the worries. We think the best way is to talk with your partner about any concerns you have about the way they’re behaving, or the people they’re spending time with. Your partner has a responsibility to make you feel loved and cared about. That includes trying not to do too many things that will make you go insane with jealousy and worry.
Of course, it’s important that you listen to your partner, too, and let them reassure you if there’s really nothing happening. Imagine how you would feel if your partner didn’t trust you, and was jealous of the people you were spending time with. Wouldn’t you be hurt that your partner didn’t trust you to be around other people without being unfaithful?
Is your jealous partner driving you insane?
If you have a partner who is jealous and possessive, that can be a whole new challenge! It hurts to be accused of doing things you haven’t done, and to have a partner who worries all the time and doesn’t like you talking to friends or going out anywhere. Sometimes it happens because you have a partner who’s been let down and hurt in a previous relationship. People in that situation often find it difficult to trust anyone completely.
Help your partner to trust you
Make sure you do as much as you can to make your partner feel secure. Be honest and open about where you’re going and what you’re doing. Try to reassure your partner as much as possible that they don’t have anything to worry about. Introduce your partner to your family and friends too – on camera if possible. Once you’ve decided that you and your partner are in a committed relationship, it’s usually a good idea to stay away from dating sites. Avoid random chatting with strangers online too! But don’t allow an over-possessive partner to control your life and activities. You shouldn’t feel that you can’t go out or do anything without your partner’s permission.
Agree on some sensible boundaries
Talk things through together, and perhaps set some boundaries for while you’re apart. For example, you might agree that it’s not okay to go out with friends every night of the week. Maybe one or two nights might be okay? Be prepared to compromise, and work out how best to keep each other happy. Once the boundaries have been set, respect your partner enough not to cross those boundaries. Remember that your relationship is always a work-in-progress, though. If you become unhappy at any point, talk to your partner and see if you can fix the problems together.
Can jealousy be a good thing?
Some people think that jealousy is a good thing; that being jealous or possessive is a sign that you and your partner care about each other, and don’t want to share each other with anyone else. But we know that jealousy is often tied together with insecurity, over-thinking, and a whole lot of misery and hurt. It’s possible to ruin a perfectly good relationship by letting your mind be filled with jealousy and suspicion. All you do is give yourself unnecessary worry. That’s likely to lead to arguments with your partner, who will feel hurt and upset that you don’t trust them. People sometimes deal with their lack of trust by following their partner’s activities online; demanding to have their passwords for social media accounts, checking their Facebook friend list for attractive people, following their online conversations, and feeling more and more anxious about what they find there! But that’s like seeking out the symptoms without treating the cause, isn’t it? If you can’t trust your partner, how will you ever be secure and happy in the relationship?
Accept that you can’t be in control of absolutely everything
Something to think about, perhaps… is that whatever is going to happen, will happen. If your partner really is planning to cheat on you, or leave you for someone else… well, it’s going to happen, and there’s probably nothing you can do to stop it. No amount of worrying is going to change the situation. On the other hand, if your partner’s not going to cheat on you, then having all these feelings of jealousy and insecurity will only cause a lot of stress, and will most likely cause arguments between the two of you.
That means you have nothing to lose by trying to trust your partner. Don’t let jealous thoughts spoil your enjoyment of the relationship.
Remember that it’s still important for each of you to have a social life and continue doing things you enjoy. It’s tempting to spend as much time as possible sitting by the computer talking to each other, or waiting for your partner to appear online. But it’s also important to continue to be interesting people in your own right. You need hobbies, friends and a life away from the internet! Think about the things you used to do before you started the relationship, and make sure you haven’t given them all up. Don’t just spend your long-distance relationship waiting passively; stay active and interesting, and encourage your partner to have fun away from the phone and computer too!
Most people have a “past”. Don’t let it take over your thoughts
Another good thing to remember is that ex-partners are EX for a reason. If your partner is still in contact with an ex, it’s good to keep a sense of proportion about it. Find out if there are good reasons for it – for example if they have children together. Some people do like to stay friends with ex-partners. That can certainly be challenging for a new partner. However, if the trust is there, you should be able to talk about your worries and deal with them together. Most people have a “past”, as far as relationships are concerned. Some people’s past adventures are more interesting or complicated than others. But if you’ve chosen to be in a relationship with someone who has a complicated past, it’s important to do your best to accept that. Deal with it as graciously as you can. Remember that your partner has chosen to be with you now, not the ex. Try to have enough confidence to allow your partner to move on from past relationships that are over and done with. That doesn’t necessarily have to mean never talking to the ex again.
Don’t compare yourself to other people
It’s also important not to compare yourself with other people in your partner’s life. Sometimes jealousy stems from feeling that we’re not good enough; feeling that we’re not fulfilling all our partner’s needs. It’s good to realise that we don’t necessarily have to be everything our partner needs. It should be okay for each partner to have other friends; to have room for other people in their lives. If you can feel secure in your relationship, you’ll know that there are so many things about you that your partner loves. These are things that your partner could never find in anyone else. So why be afraid if your partner sometimes chooses to talk to someone else? If your partner has chosen to be with you, there will be a hundred reasons for that. Try to be confident that, whilst other friends may bring different things to your partner’s life, you are the one your partner has chosen to love, for all the things that make you special.
Keep communicating!
We think it’s a good thing to talk (calmly) to your partner about anything that’s worrying you. Let your partner reassure you that you have nothing to be jealous or insecure about. When you’ve done that, it’s important to try to relax! Make a conscious decision to try not to be jealous, or over-possessive, and to trust your partner. It’s really something that’s worth doing. After all, the way to know that your partner loves you is not to stop them seeing other people. It’s to let them spend time with other people, and feel secure in the knowledge that, even if they are surrounded by hundreds of beautiful and entertaining people, the thing they enjoy most in the whole world is coming back to you.
Share your story with others!
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© Larry and Carla Sue
