Conversation problems can cause a lot of stress for long-distance couples! Sometimes people tell us that the conversations they have with their long-distance partner aren’t as good as before. They feel that their partner doesn’t seem to have time for them any more, or the conversations don’t seem to hold as much meaning as they used to in the past.

Sometimes, people in long-distance relationships notice after a while that they’re talking more about everyday things. They start to miss the close and intimate conversations they used to have. Conversations used to be about their hopes and dreams and their love for each other. Now, they just have casual chats about work, or school, and day-to-day happenings. Sometimes people feel that their partner doesn’t have the same need for conversations as they used to have. Their partner doesn’t seem to care as much if they don’t talk as often. Conversations that used to last for hours are gone, and short chats or text messages are now more usual.

Don’t panic; there are so many reasons for conversations to feel different

There could be all sorts of reasons for this change. It doesn’t necessarily signal the end of a relationship. Some couples have very deep and meaningful conversations when they’re first together. After a while, though, one partner feels that they’ve talked enough and know each other well enough that they don’t need to do that any more. So they start to focus more on the normal, day-to-day stuff. It doesn’t mean they’re falling out of love; just that they think they already know all there is to know, so they don’t need to have the intimate conversations they used to have. Of course, that becomes a problem if the other partner misses the way things used to be!

Have things been moving too quickly?

Sometimes one partner worries that things have been moving too quickly. They decide to calm things down a bit; talking more casually about everyday things. This often happens in long-distance relationships, particularly when it’s going to be a while before you can see each other. Some people get anxious about doing too much serious and intimate talking when you’re going to be apart for a long time. For this reason, they try to bring things back to a more “friendship” style of communication. For some people, the distance is easier to deal with if it’s like that. Some people also worry that the fun will go from a relationship if the conversation is always too intense, so they switch to a more casual way of talking, in an attempt to keep things lively and entertaining.

It could be a positive sign!

In some relationships, when you feel that the conversations aren’t as close and intimate as they used to be, it can actually be seen as a positive sign that the relationship is moving into a more settled phase. Maybe your partner is starting to involve you more in their daily life; almost “testing out” how it would be for the two of you to be together in the same place every day, when there would definitely be more to talk about than how much you love and miss each other. After all, people who are living together don’t normally spend hours at a time gazing into each other’s eyes and talking about how they long to be in the same place – because they’re already there! So they can spend time talking about other things. Sometimes it’s good for long-distance couples to practise this while they’re still apart, too.

What to do when conversations aren’t as good as they used to be

If you’re concerned that your conversations aren’t as good as they used to be, the only way to know why it’s happening is to try and talk about it together. Look back at when things started to change, and try to work out why it happened. If you can see that there’s been some misunderstanding between you, talk it through with your partner and make sure that you both know the truth, and that neither of you is worrying unnecessarily.

Encourage honesty and openness – be honest with your partner about how you feel, and ask your partner to be honest with you. If things are changing in a way that worries you, it’s best to talk it over, and see if it’s something you can sort out together. If you don’t know how to approach the subject, you could try saying something like, “Have you noticed that we used to talk about lots of different things, and have really deep, interesting conversations… but now we only seem to talk about basic stuff? Why do you think we do that now? Do you think things have changed between us?” Sometimes in a relationship, it’s possible for one partner to be so busy that they don’t even notice there’s a problem. In that case, it’s important to let your partner know that you’re concerned.

If your partner really is trying to cool things down, and doesn’t feel as close to you as they used to – that’s something you need to know. If you know there’s something wrong, you can talk together and decide what to do. Sometimes problems can be talked about and resolved, and conversations can go back to how they were before. But if things were very intense at the beginning of a relationship, it’s not always possible, or necessary, for that level of intensity to continue forever. Every couple is different, and every relationship will develop in a different way.

All relationships go through changes

Something to remember is that that all relationships go through changes. It’s quite normal to have times when communication isn’t everything you’d want it to be. Outside worries – and the stress of daily life – can also get in the way. Sometimes one partner gets more tired than the other – particularly when there are time zone differences to cope with, or one of you is working or studying, and the other isn’t – and that can have a huge effect on communication between you. And there are also people who just aren’t great conversationalists. Lots of wonderful relationships exist where one partner doesn’t like to do much talking. That can be more difficult to cope with when you’re long-distance, of course, because talking is often the only way of communicating. But when the distance is gone, things will be easier.

There will be good conversations, and not-so-good conversations

In any relationship, there will always be some conversations that are better than others. There may be magical times where every word flows smoothly – and when you’ve finished talking, you feel the afterglow that comes with the knowledge that you are truly in love, with a partner who cherishes you, and everything is absolutely perfect in every way… and you wish you could have that conversation all over again.

Then there will be those times when you have a conversation that doesn’t go so well. Afterwards you realise that you were both grumpy all the way through. You wonder if it would have been better not to have bothered talking at all. Couples in long-distance relationships are dealing with a lot of challenges that other couples don’t have to think about – so perhaps it’s not surprising that conversations don’t run smoothly all the time. The important thing is to keep the communication going, and give your partner the reassurance that they can talk to you openly about any concerns they have… and that you will always be there to listen.

Keep communicating!

So don’t despair if you notice that your conversations have changed. Just keep communicating with each other; share any worries you may have; enjoy spending time together… and look forward to the days when you’ll be able to talk to each other with no distance between you.

© Larry and Carla Sue