We receive a lot of emails asking us how to deal with arguments in a long-distance relationship. Fights and arguments can be a big problem for couples separated by distance. It’s a very stressful situation to be in!
Are the fights becoming a problem for you and your partner?
Some people have told us that they love arguing with their long-distance partner. They believe their relationship is better and more exciting because of the fights they have. They feel that a relationship surely isn’t a “real” one unless there are arguments. If you feel like that too, and you enjoy fighting with your partner — and you love the name-calling, the crying, the anger, the sulking, the breaking up and the making up afterwards — then this article is not for you. This is for people who don’t enjoy arguing, and worry that fights are becoming a real problem in their relationship.
Long-distance relationships are sometimes more stressful than people expect. When daily life is busy and you don’t have enough time for each other, the pressure starts to build up. That’s often when couples notice that they’re fighting more often than they’d like to.
It’s time for a heart-to-heart talk!
Something that can be helpful is to step back and remember that you’re both on the same side. You share many of the same goals (hopefully!) and you love each other, and you want the relationship to work. Sometimes it helps to have a “heart-to-heart” talk about the relationship. Pick a time to do this when you’re both feeling calm and relaxed. Let your partner know that you’ve noticed that the fights are getting worse. If you’re both aware of the problem and want to try to fix it, that’s a good start. Remember why you got together in the beginning; all the things you love about each other. Then try not to let the arguments make you lose sight of what’s really important in your relationship.
Arguments aren’t necessarily a sign that the relationship will fail. Don’t rush into thinking that breaking up is the only option, because it isn’t.
Try to break the habit of fighting
It takes a bit of practice to break the habit of fighting, but it can be done. If you feel an argument starting, try to recognise the signs, and make a conscious decision to stop. Sometimes it helps to say something like, “I love you. Let’s not argue about this”. Then pause for a while, either by changing the subject, or by agreeing to end the conversation. Go and do something else for ten minutes, half an hour, or however long you need. Come back when you’ve both calmed down and are ready to talk again.
Try to recognise if there are “danger times”, when it’s not a good idea to talk about difficult subjects. For example, if your partner has had a long day at work, or if it’s 2:00am for either of you. Be sensible about when to bring up those tricky topics. Don’t expect your best conversations to happen when one of you is struggling with tiredness or work-related stress.
Take time to listen
Another thing that can sometimes help is giving each other more space to communicate. Take turns to talk without being interrupted. A lot of pressure is caused by two people trying to talk at the same time. No one’s actually listening, because both partners are constantly interrupting each other. They yell because they can’t even hear themselves think any more! Give each other time to talk, and listen without interrupting. Sometimes you can find a surprising number of things you actually agree on.
Remember, too, that it’s not essential to agree on every subject under the sun. You’re both individuals, and that means you can have different views and opinions, and different ways of looking at things. If you don’t agree about something, don’t always try to force your partner to think things your way. Respect each other enough to “agree to differ” about the little things. Don’t pick fights about trivial things you’re never likely to have the same views about.
When the words get too noisy, try writing things down
If anger has taken over, and you can’t speak without yelling at each other, sometimes writing can help. Try sending each other an email! Write in detail about your feelings on whatever you’re arguing about. Take time to read each other’s messages and think about what’s been said. It’s about giving each other time to talk, and being prepared to listen to each other. Listening to your partner can often be more important than talking to them. Not just hearing their words, but truly listening, and trying to understand.
Are there important things you really need to talk about?
If you’re always arguing about the same things, you probably need a Big Conversation. Find a time when you’re both ready to talk with each other in a calm way. The key to solving an argument is to drop all the anger, and look at what you’re actually arguing about. Find the cause of the argument… and then work out if it’s something that can be fixed or not. Not every problem has an immediate solution, and that’s worth remembering too.
If you’re arguing about something that happened in the past, remember that you can’t change the past. If something happened, it happened. You need to focus on dealing with it together. Talk about it, clear up misunderstandings, apologise where necessary, forgive if it’s possible… then move on towards the future. Try not to argue about small things, because not everything is worth worrying about. Importantly, try not to over-think. A lot of arguments in long-distance relationships are caused by over-thinking. It leads to jealousy and a crazy amount of anxiety. If you’re not careful, you can end up arguing over things that probably never happened, or haven’t happened yet. Take care not to let your imagination take over and create more problems than you already have to deal with.
Keep it constructive; not destructive
Always remember that it’s the distance that’s the enemy here – not your partner. If you’re making the choice to stay in a relationship together, you must be doing that for a reason… right? It’s not wrong to have arguments. Most couples fight from time to time. The important thing is to turn an argument into something useful. Make it an opportunity to give each other the chance to talk and be listened to. Try to keep your arguments constructive, not destructive. Don’t resort to name-calling and lashing out, trying to hurt your partner. Once the words are said, they can’t be unsaid. Cruel insults will stay in your partner’s mind long after the argument is over, causing unnecessary hurt and insecurity.
Fight the distance, not each other
Some long-distance couples don’t get through the arguments, and they decide that it’s not worth the stress any longer. Sometimes that’s okay; you get to decide if the relationship is right for you or not. But if you want to make it work, you need to treat all the problems as shared ones. Then try to stay calm and fix them together. Instead of fights and arguments, aim to have discussions. Listen to what your partner has to say, and respect their point of view. Respond calmly, and be prepared to apologise, forgive and accept a compromise sometimes. Being in your relationship is a choice, after all. If you choose to stay together, it makes sense to choose to treat each other with respect and kindness. Fight the distance, not each other – and do that together.
