Ghosting is one of the most heartbreaking things that can happen in a long-distance relationship.
Over the last few years, we’ve been in contact with hundreds of people who have been dealing with the challenges of a long-distance relationship – and we know there are definitely lots of challenges! Long-distance couples have to cope with the constant empty sadness of missing someone. They often have to deal with jealousy, lack of trust, and the worries and doubts that come with knowing that your partner is far away. When technology fails and the phone signal or internet connection is poor, it’s very frustrating – because communication is what keeps two people feeling like a couple, even when there are many miles between them.
Communication – talking as much as you can, in person or online – is essential in every relationship. Not just chatting, but real conversations; sharing your thoughts and feelings with each other, making plans for the future, listening to each other, understanding each other, and finding out all those little things that makes your partner their own special person. It’s also about making time for each other, even on the busiest of days – whether that involves several hours of Skype every day, or just a few quick text messages across a huge time difference. Making time for your partner is one of the ways to show that they matter to you, and that you care about the relationship. Communication can also help to build trust between two people – because when your partner shows that they care enough to make time to talk to you, that gives you confidence and helps you feel secure in the relationship.
We’ve spoken to lots of long-distance couples who manage to communicate effectively, build trust, and have a great relationship – even when they have a huge time difference to deal with, and busy lives, and complicated family and personal situations. But occasionally someone contacts us and says something like this:
“I haven’t heard from my partner for more than a week. The phone seems to be turned off.”
“I sent my girlfriend a message three weeks ago, and she hasn’t replied.”
“My boyfriend’s blocked me from his phone, and now I can’t find him on Facebook any more.”
Have you ever known the feeling of panic that rises when you try to get in touch with someone and you can’t make contact with them? It’s bad enough if it’s someone who lives in your home town. It’s a hundred times more anxiety-inducing if it’s someone who lives hundreds or thousands of miles away. How do you know if they’re just having problems with their phone or internet? How do you know if they’re ill, or if they’ve been in an accident? And how do you know if they’re ever coming back?
It’s heartbreaking when a long-distance partner vanishes without giving an explanation. It hurts so much to wake up each morning and find yourself wondering if you said something to drive your partner away, or if something terrible has happened to them… or if their heart was never truly yours, right from the start.
In some ways, being a “vanishing long-distance partner” is an easy thing to do. It happens a lot, and there’s even a word for it now: ghosting. These days it’s simple to get in touch with people from all over the world; you can meet online, you can casually date someone (or even more than one person) in a different time zone, without the complications of trying to fit them into your “real” life. It’s possible to have an online romantic life without feeling any commitment to the people you chat with. Sometimes these “relationships” feel quite disposable; there’s no commitment, there’s no sense of permanence; it’s just “having fun online”. If your chats suddenly stop feeling like fun, it’s easy to cut that person out of your online life, without needing to explain or say goodbye. Maybe you’d justify it to yourself by saying that it was never a real relationship anyway. The same thing can happen in a relationship that isn’t so casual. If things start to feel as if they’re going wrong, if you’re angry or hurt and you don’t know how to talk to your partner about the problems, or if you’re overwhelmed by the distance and you’ve made the decision to leave the relationship… well, perhaps the easy answer could be to cut off all contact and simply disappear. That way, you can move on, without having to explain anything. You avoid the feeling of being the bad guy, you don’t have to listen to the ugly crying, you’ll avoid having a nasty argument, and there’s no chance you’ll be persuaded to stay, when you’ve already decided to go. Easy.
But the easy thing to do is not always the right thing to do – and part of being in a relationship – any relationship, not just long-distance – is taking responsibility for your actions; respecting your partner enough not to take the easy way out, but to communicate your feelings. That sometimes means having difficult discussions, because relationships aren’t all sweetness, hearts and flowers; they take effort. If you can talk about the problems, you have a chance of getting through them. If the two of you can’t solve the problems and you decide the relationship is at an end, having that painful last conversation at least gives you and your partner the opportunity to say the things you need to say. There’s a chance for understanding, a chance to say goodbye, and no one is left in silence, wondering what happened.
Some people use silence as a punishment, or a test, for their partner. They cut off contact because they want to make a point, to make their partner miss them, or to teach their partner a lesson. It’s a cruel thing to do. When two people are in a long-distance relationship, there are already too many miles between them. Being silent only increases the distance – and that’s never a good thing. If there are problems, those problems are for both partners to try and solve together – using communication. That means being open and honest with your partner – and perhaps communicating more, not less! If you’re the kind of person who deals with stressful situations by needing space, be honest about that too, and ask your partner for some time out. But be fair about it; don’t stay away too long – and make sure your partner knows when you’ll be back. A day or two might be okay, but don’t vanish for a month and expect your partner to wait for you and welcome you back with open arms!
When you’re in a long-distance relationship, you have the power to make your partner feel like the most-cherished and loved person in the whole world – or you have the power to make their world fall apart. Please… use that power wisely. Not every relationship can last forever – but if you decide to end your relationship, at least do it honestly – by respecting your partner enough to communicate and tell them that you’re leaving – not by vanishing into thin air.
The exception to this is if your partner is abusive. If you’re in a relationship that isn’t a healthy or happy one – if your partner is physically or emotionally abusive to you – your responsibility is to yourself and the people who depend on you. If you feel threatened by a long-distance partner; if you worry that there will be violence or that you are in danger, you don’t owe that abusive partner anything. It’s okay to leave the relationship. You don’t need to respond to threats or persuasive sweet-talk, or to spend time trying to explain why you’re leaving; focus on your own safety and emotional wellbeing. Stop communicating with that person; block them from your social media accounts, consider changing your phone number, report them to the police if you have serious concerns, share your worries with friends and family, stay safe, and do everything necessary to put that person in the past and move on to better things.
If you’re someone whose long-distance partner suddenly disappeared without warning, you probably feel hurt, confused and powerless. There’s often no way to know the reason for the disappearance, and that’s very painful. You may be left wondering if you said something wrong, if your partner met someone else, or if there was an accident. As the days, weeks, and months go by, it seems less and less likely that your partner just lost their phone or internet connection, or had a crazy-busy week at work… and you start to think that maybe they’re not coming back. Perhaps there was an argument or misunderstanding, and maybe you’ll start to blame yourself and wonder what you could have done differently, or why you didn’t see the problems approaching. You might be upset at never having had the opportunity to say goodbye. Maybe you’ll even start to wonder if the relationship was really genuine, or if you were just taken in by one of those online scammers we read so much about.
The important thing to know is that when someone you love and care about disappears without warning, it’s not a reflection on you. It doesn’t mean that you weren’t good enough, or that you’re not the kind of person anyone could ever love. It means that the person you were in a relationship with didn’t have the emotional maturity to end the relationship in a healthy and respectful way. Maybe they weren’t good at understanding or expressing emotions, or perhaps they didn’t have the courage to do the right thing, and chose to run away instead. Maybe they were angry, thoughtless, or just uncaring. In any case, don’t allow their bad behaviour to make you think you won’t be able to move on and have happy relationships in the future. Take time to grieve for the relationship that’s gone – and then move forward with an open mind, and look forward to new adventures ahead.
© 2018 Larry and Carla Sue
